motherhood – Motherhood in the Raw

Toddler Activities for COVID-19

As all of us parents know being isolated to your house with children isn’t the easiest thing in the world. It’s so important for us to do our part, even if that means going a little bit stir crazy. Today I’m going to share with you some of my favourite activities that I do with A to keep us busy at home.

Help Make Mommy Breakfast
A absolutely loves helping in the kitchen. I find when I let her help me make breakfast in the morning it sets both of our days off on the right foot. A is the type of toddler who loves to help, I can tell it gives her a sense of purpose. I let her do things like put berries on her plate, help flip the egg, butter the toast. Allowing her to help do these tasks not only helps her learn, but makes her excited about eating a healthy balanced meal.
Imaginary Play
One of my favourite things to do with A is watch her use her imagination. We make up silly little games with her babies and she has so much fun. One of our faves is playing doctor. She will line up all her babies and she checks their heart and their ears and I can just see her little brain gears turning.
Painting, Play Doh & Drawing
A loves being artistic in so many different ways. She really loves painting and Play Doh. It allows her to explore different colours and textures all while getting messy. Since Easter is right around the corner we’ve been doing a lot of Easter themed crafts. Even something as simple as painting foam eggs is a super fun way to get creative while being festive.
Obstacle Course
You can make an obstacle course inside or outside using a variety of things. If you have hoola hoops, jump ropes and pylons its super easy to arrange them in your backyard to have your little one jump and run through all of the obstacles. If you don’t have a large outdoor space you can also create one inside using colourful tape. Simply put the tape on the floor in straight lines, zig zags and other shapes for your little one to explore. I’ll link some Pinterest links down below to give you a visual representation of this one.
Outdoor Obstacle Course
Indoor Obstacle Course
Nature Scavenger Hunt
A super easy way to have some fun is a nature scavenger hunt. Theres tons of templates online you can print out with photos of birds, sticks, trees and other things that you can find on a simple walk outside. Have your little ones find something from their list out in the real world. They’ll think its pretty awesome when they’re able to find what their looking for.
Practising Mindfulness
It’s so important to teach our children how to be mindful of the world. The world is a scary place right now and it’s important to educate our children. If you have kids old enough to understand whats going on you should sit down and talk about it. Talk about what it means to be isolated, and why social distancing is so important. If your children are too young to understand, like A, there are still so many different mindful activities you can do. Even just going for a walk and pointing out the things you see. Acknowledging that the grass is green, and the smell of the cool breeze are super important things to teach our kids.

Times are tough right now but that doesn’t mean we have to worry 24/7. Our kids still need some sense of normality and it’s important that we don’t let our anxieties get the best of us. If you try any of the activities I listed above I would love to see a photo! Take a photo of your isolation games and tag me on Instagram @motherhoodintheraww so we can all still feel connected while we distance ourselves physically. Don’t forget that we’re all in this together.

Xoxo, B

Toddler Must-Haves

Hey, how are ya? I know I’ve been gone for a hot minute (thanks mental health), but thats not what I’m here to talk about today. Now that A is a walking, talking crazy little toddler I’ve realized that I probably wouldn’t survive the days without these much needed items. I’m here to show you the specific items that I use on the daily, and maybe help make your life a little easier too.

Backpack Style Diaper Bag
How did moms and dads live through the era of “purse” style diaper bags? You know what I mean, it seems a few years ago everyone used the same style of diaper bag and it wasn’t often that I saw many parents using a backpack. I remember the trend of boujee moms using actual designer bags for carrying around all of their littles belongings. Now that I’ve been using a backpack style bag for a year and a half I couldn’t imagine any other way. I mean this one isn’t technically for toddlers specifically because I’ve been using the same diaper bag since A was born, but it’s needed now more than ever. Not only am I always needing to carry what feels like hundreds of A’s items everywhere we go, but I often find myself carrying her. Picking up and wrangling a toddler is not always easy, and having a purse style bag slipping off your shoulder every 2.5 seconds is simply rage inducing. I’ll link below the exact bag that I use, although I’m sure you’ve seen it at least once in your life. It seems these days about 95% of moms and dads that I see with their kiddos have the exact same bag on their backs as well, it just makes sense.
This is the bag that I use.
Its held up amazingly over almost 20 months, and it holds every single thing that I could need on a daily basis.
Silicone Bibs & Suction Plates
Lets talk meal time. It seems to be a commonly stressful time in most families households. These are some items that help us make meal time a little smoother. I mean ya its still messy, and difficult sometimes but I’ll take all the help I can get. First of all, silicone is the easiest material to clean to by far. Everything just slips right off of it with water and some soap. The bibs have pockets at the bottom that actually catch all of the dropped food, unlike fabric bibs where the pocket typically stays flat and closed. Also having the suction on the plates and bowls are a must. I mean she can still get them up and toss her plate if she really tries hard enough, but having the suction helps the bowl stay down while she’s scooping out her food.
Here are the ones we use:
Bibs
Plates
Bowls
Elastic Hair Ties
If you opt out of cutting your kiddos hair short, or giving them bangs than these hair ties are a must. From 1-2 our toddlers hair seems to go through an extremely crazy phase. I find I have to put A’s hair up in a little pony tail every single day, otherwise her hair is constantly in her eyes. I’m hoping it will grow long enough to tuck behind her ear soon, because I don’t want to cut those precious locks. We’ve tried the baby hair ties that are material but they just don’t hold, and A is able to take those ones out. The generic elastic ones that you can get basically anywhere work much better for us. I prefer the elastic to be a little bit thicker because it hold better, but any of these should work fine.
Elastic hair ties.
Diaper Genie
It seems like a lot of people have mixed opinions about the diaper genie. I know a lot of people think that its just a glorified trash can, but I think that I have to disagree. In the past 20 months I’ve gone through two genies, so that is something to consider because our first one did break, but it was essential enough in our daily lives that we got a new one that same day. I suppose I could see if you owned a home with a garage than you could very well just put the dirty diapers in a trash can in your garage, but a lot of people don’t have that option. I live in a townhouse with no garage, and if i were to put all of A’s dirty diapers in a regular trash can with a lid, my entire house would stink in between garbage days. The genie really does conceal the smell for the most part, and we will continue to use ours until she is potty trained. I will add that the refills for the genie are kind of expensive, but some store like Walmart sell their brand of the refills. The genie itself is very reasonably priced, but the refills will cost you which is something to consider.
Diaper Genie
Forehead Thermometer
I know that forehead thermometers aren’t the most accurate and you should ALWAYS consult with your doctor before making any health decisions involving you or your children, but for us the forehead thermometer has been a life saver. A is terrified of doctors, or any piece of medical equipment since her accident, (and yes I still plan to make a post all about it soon). So for us anytime we tried to use any other type of thermometer she absolutely lost her s#*t and flailed her body all over the place making it impossible to get an accurate reading. With the forehead thermometer all you have to do is touch it to their forehead for two seconds and it will give you the reading. I know it may not be the most accurate method, but if you have a child thats terrified of the other types it eliminated a lot of stress.
Here is the one we use:
Forehead Thermometer
Socks with Grips
This one may seem obvious, but its not something I ever really thought about before. Its shocking to me how many companies sell toddler socks without the rubber grips on the bottom. I mean, come on toddlers are basically little drunk people who are always falling and stumbling all over the place. I know A needs all the reinforcements she can get while she takes over the world, and thats why socks with grips are the only way for my girl. These don’t have to be a specific brand or style, but i’ll link some below anyway. Next time you’re buying socks for your toddler, make sure you double check the bottoms.
Socks with rubber grips
Craft Table
A small craft table designed for toddler is a must in our house. A loves arts and crafts and for the longest time I would deprive her of doing them because I was always scared she would ruin our table. Once we got her own table and chairs we were able to give her the creative freedom without the stress. Since its plastic its easy to clean, and I love that its all meant for her size so she can easily get up and down from the chairs herself. It’s just another thing that helps to give her a little independence. The one we have is from Ikea, but I’m not a huge fan of it because its kind of large. I will link it below, but I will also link a better options for those of you with limited space.
Ikea Craft Table
Craft Table for Smaller Spaces
Sleep Sack
We’ve been using a sleep sack since the day A came home from the hospital, and it has worked so well for us. I think a lot of people think its strange to continue using them for toddler, but I promise its life changing. I know for a fact that if A didn’t sleep with a sack on that should would be constantly climbing out of her crib, and therefore I would get no sleep at night. Her sleep sack has helped us keep her in her crib (because non of us are ready for a big girl bed just yet), and its kept her safe. I’m all for safe sleeping and blankets are not recommended to be in the crib, toddlers are actually not recommended to use blankets at all until after 2. Our sack keeps our girl safe and warm and I really do think that it helps her sleep better. Sleep sacks vary in terms of material, warmth and price so you’ll have to do some research to find which one worked for you, but i’ll link the halo one below because not only have we used it, but it seems to be a fan favourite.
Halo Sack
Aveeno Soothing Relief Lotion
Alright I know this one is kind of random but I swear this lotion is the only one that battles A’s dry patches. She doesn’t have eczema but she definitely has certain spots on her that get super dry. We’ve tried Live Clean, Honest Co, Johnsons and some other random ones and non of them make her skin as soft and hydrated as Aveeno. This time of year especially it’s a must.
Aveeno Lotion
Wine, Wine & More Wine
Ok, joking (not really lol). Whatever your form of stress relief is probably the most important essential of them all. We make sure we have every single thing our babies could ever need, but mama don’t forget about your needs. The number one thing our toddlers need is a mama who takes care of herself, and her wellbeing. Wether it’s relaxing with a glass of wine, music, a bubble bath or anything else make sure you implement it into your daily life. Life is all about balance, and while we want to give 100% of ourselves to our kiddos, we need to save some for us too.

I hope this post helped someone out there, wether you’re pregnant, a new mom or even an experienced mama just looking for something missing. As always, stand together mama’s, be there for each other. help each other, and don’t be afraid to ask for help yourself.

xoxo, B

Getting Help

I finally did, I checked off my number one new years resolution for 2020 and it’s just the beginning. I finally tool the leap and I reached out to a local counselor for help, I’m getting help. I’ve talked about mental health a lot on this blog so far, but I haven’t really dug deep into what this journey has meant for me thus far. I’ve needed this help for as long as I can remember really. The first time I can remember feeling like something was really “wrong with me” was when I was 12 years old. At 12 was when I felt suicidal for the very first time, and at 12 is when my debilitating depression would begin.

I grew up in a home with a very mentally ill father, and to be honest I didn’t even really know it until recently. I don’t want to get too into that, because its simply not my place to air out all of his dirty laundry on here. Although, I suppose his dirty laundry has become my own as well. When I was a small child my dad was great (from my memory anyway). I was his little buddy, we did everything together. It wasn’t until I got closer to the age of puberty that the mental and emotional abuse started. My dad has been deeply scarred by women in his family, and I have to assume thats where it came from. From a very young age he would be sure to try and put my younger brother and I against each other, and we’ve just started to recover from that recently. My dad still hasn’t got help, but he has proved himself with A. For now I know he loves her, and would never hurt her, but for when she’s older I’m really not sure if that will be the case.

I was never allowed to feel my emotions when I was younger. I remember going in the bath (the only place I could let it all out in private). I would silently scream for God, or whatever higher power there may be to take me. I begged for it to be my time, and nobody knew. I wasn’t allowed to be depressed. I wasn’t allowed to cry, those actions would come with punishment. If I was upset for whatever tweenage reason at the time I was not allowed to show it to my father. If he caught me crying in my room then I was immediately grounded, not allowed to see my friends anymore. I think thats when I developed the habit of isolating myself. To this day whenever I feel the depression coming I go into hibernation mode. I cut myself off from my friends and the other things that make me happy because I have to punish myself the only way I know how. I’ve developed some pretty extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks as a result of my pubescent years and how I was raised.

For the longest time I held a lot of resentment towards my parents for making me this way. It really wasn’t until I became a parent myself that I realized they really were doing their best, even if their best was absolutely fucked at times. My dad is a seriously mentally ill man, a man who doesn’t know how to help himself, and probably never will. I’ve made a choice for myself and for my family. A choice to be better for me, for my fiance and most importantly, for my daughter. I’m learning that it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. It’s ok to feel my feelings, yes even the bad ones. It’s ok to not be happy all the time. I’m learning to feel those emotions, and most importantly I’m learning how to let them go in a healthy way.

Everyone around me is constantly telling me to stop having negatives thoughts and feelings. While I understand that they’re coming from a good place, trying to help I’ve learned that their words are everything but helpful. I have one friend in particular that wont talk to me about anything if its not sunshine and rainbows, she tells me to go meditate then text her later. For the longest time I’ve felt like a burden to everyone, and maybe I am to them, but from now on I will not let myself feel that way. It’s time for me to take time to work on myself. It’s time to say no to spending time with the people that bring me down. It’s time for me to be alone and find my own inner happiness. I’ve always been the type of person who enjoys surrounding myself with friends, I always thought thats what made me happy. For now I think I need to say goodbye to those old ways, because lately friends are the ones bringing me down more than ever. They are constantly disregarding my struggles to bask in their own happiness, which I understand is their journey and I’m happy for them. I want to be happy for me though, I want to put myself first for once in my life.

Happiness can only be achieved once you accept your true self, and let go of the self you think that you need to be.

I’m nowhere near being “cured” or “fixed”. If anything I’m in one of the worst places I’ve been in my entire life, and thats ok. I’m extremely self aware, and I know the things that I need help with, and the things that I want to change for myself, not because the people around are telling me that I should. I know this journey in therapy will probably be long, maybe even the rest of my life, but I know eventually I’ll be able to look myself in the mirror and say “I’m proud of you B”.

xoxo, B.

NO BAKE Energy Bites

Hi welcome back to Motherhood In The Raw, thanks for clicking! I know I’m not a food blog, but I’m here today with this recipe because it will save moms lives, and energy. My biggest pet peeve is when I’m in a rush to find a recipe and I’m forced to read through 7 pages of why the poster just loves every ingredient so much, so I’m going to keep it short and sweet. These energy bites are healthy, easy, fast to make, and very easily modified to suit a vegan diet. They’re the perfect snack to prep at the beginning of the week to keep you going during your busy days. Moms love them, kids love them, its a win-win situation if you ask me!

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups Old Fashioned Oats
3/4 cups Natural Nut Butter (I used peanut butter)
1/4 cup Honey (substitute maple syrup for vegan)
Dark Chocolate Chips (to taste)
1 tsp Nutmeg

Oats w nutmeg, Honey, PB, Chocolate Chips

Directions:
Start by measuring out all of your oats and pouring them into a large mixing bowl.
Then add the nutmeg (or whatever flavour you prefer) into the oats and combine.
Add the honey, nut butter and chocolate chips one at a time into the mixing bowl with the oats.

Then combine all of the ingredients together. This step is a bit tricky because these ingredients don’t tend to mix very easily. I started mixing with a spatula, and then once most of the honey and nut butter were combined I used my hands to mix it further.
Once the ingredients are thoroughly combined then place a large piece of parchment paper down on your working station. The parchment helps the balls set slightly without sticking to your surface.
Use an ice cream scoop (or your hands) to roll the mixture into balls and place them on the parchment paper.
You can place them in the freezer for about 5-10 minutes after you’ve made them all into balls, which will help harden them slightly.
Store in an airtight container for up to a week at room temperature, or 2 weeks in the fridge.

Helpful Tips:
Make a double or triple batch and store the extras in the freezer to save time in the future.
I found it most useful to use my hands when forming the balls, although as soon as too much residue got on my hands from the bites I was unable to roll them into balls anymore. Wash and dry your hands fully after every 5ish balls to prevent this from happening.
Make different flavours! The flavour possibilities are honestly endless with these suckers. Pinterest is a great place for inspiration.

I hope you enjoyed my first ever recipe here on my blog! I know you and your kiddos will love these healthy little snacks just as much as we did. Be sure to leave me a comment if you decide to make them, and let me know how yours turned out. I plan to do more recipes in the future of my go-to meals for my family and I. Although I know this may not be a food blog I am totally a foodie myself, and I love to share the awesome recipes that I find!

xoxo, B.

Tired As A Mother

I have a confession to make and I’m not proud. I used to think moms that complained about sleep deprivation were kind of just complaining, I mean how bad can it really be? Well, my friends theres this called karma, and it hit me hard right in the ass. Sleep deprivation is a real thing, and its so much harder to deal with when you’re trying to also keep a tiny human alive everyday. A’s sleep has gone down hill hard and fast. If I’m being honest I seriously feel like I’m starting to fall apart. Being a mom is already so hard, and when you mix in only getting four hours of sleep at night its a recipe for disaster.

These past few weeks I’ve really been prioritizing my mental health and getting my mental to a place that I’m really proud of. I already feel my efforts starting to slip away solely due to sleep deprivation. I have no motivation to do my usual morning routine of positive affirmations while I enjoy my coffee. All I seem to be able to do these days is get myself from my bed to the couch. I dread having to make A breakfast in the morning, and I no longer have the energy to play with her. My patients with her is extremely thin, every time she whines or cries I want to snap at her, and it takes everything in me not to. This feeling of not being able to function like a normal person is really starting to take its toll. It’s been about 2 weeks of constant terrible sleep, and I’m at my wits end. I don’t understand, why don’t they just f*#king sleep?

I suppose this is the universe testing me to see if my efforts in improving my mental state has really worked. I have to say I am proud, and I do think I’ve made improvements. Six months ago if I were going through this I know I wouldn’t even be able to function at all. I would have been constantly yelling, crying and sending concerning texts to my loved ones. I used to really struggle with rage and sleep deprivation would always make it so much worse. Now I take a moment in the mornings to understand that I am exhausted, and it sucks, it really sucks. I’ve accepted that in this moment there is simply nothing I can do about the fact that A doesn’t feel the need to sleep anymore, and I have no choice but to deal with it. What I do have a choice in is how I manage my feelings about the situation.

My point of this post is to say this; next time you pass judgements on a mom for complaining about being tired stop yourself in your tracks. Moms need support, and we need to feel validated and understood. We need to stand together and support each other in anyway we know how. Sleep deprivation is real, struggles with mental health are real. When you combine the two it can result in a recipe for disaster, and you can feel like you’re falling into a deep hole, unsure of how you’ll be able to escape. Before I became a mom I would judge moms. All. The. Time. I would judge them for complaining about anything that had to do with being a mom, because well how could they complain? I had a miscarriage, I lost my baby so how dare they complain about theirs. Through healing over the years and growing older and more mature I’ve learned so much. You can’t undermine someone else’s pain and struggles because you’re also hurting.

Let us stand together, hand in hand. Let us listen to each other, and try to understand each others pain. I promise once we unite ourselves and support all moms no matter how different they are from you is when we will all find validation. Next time your mom friend texts you freaking out because her baby just wont sleep, and she’s never felt exhaustion like this try to understand her. Try to remember when your child was small, try to remember how it felt to feel alone in this, and do something to help ease her pain. We need to love and support each other because feeling alone, like you’re the only one in the world going through this is the hardest part of it all.

Love and support will always be more powerful than the most deprived sleep, or the strongest toddler tantrums. My challenge for you today is to reach out to a struggling mama. Tell her she’s doing a good job, tell her she worthy and she is powerful. It might just make more of a difference in her day than you think.

xoxo, B.

Thankful, Grateful & Blessed.

Today is Thanksgiving day and I have so much to reflect on in the last year. This has been one of the hardest, craziest and most beautiful years of my life. Since Thanksgiving last year a lot has changed, and a lot has been learned also. I’ve questioned myself, and my life a lot more than I have in the past. Am I a good mother, or am I setting A up for failure? Am I a good fiance, or am I still not putting enough into my relationship? I’m still not one hundred percent sure of the answers to those questions, but what I do know is that I wouldn’t trade my life for anything in the world. Instead of dwelling on where I’m not in life I’ve learned to focus on what I have, and what could be. I’ve learned that once you truly stop and reflect on how full your life already is, you’ll stop feeling like something is missing.

You can always be better. You can always be a better wife, mother, friend or colleague. Its always going to be easier to focus on what you could be rather than what you are, but for me I’ve had enough. Enough of feeling like I’m not enougho9, because I am, and I’m thankful that I’ve come to realize that over the last year. So thank you to those who have stuck by me while I figure myself out. Thank you to my beautiful daughter for showing me the true meaning of life, and how every single moment needs to be cherished even when you may want it to be over. Thank you to my fiance for staying even when we feel broken. Thank you to my family for being the best role models in my daughters life, and loving her unconditionally every single day. Thank you to the friends who haven’t swayed away, even if it would be more convenient for them if they did.

I have so much to be thankful for, and I’m so glad that I can see that clearly. I hope next Thanksgiving that I have even more positivity and growth to reflect on. Today will be filled with hugs, laughter, family and lots of food. (lots and lots of food) & I wouldn’t have it any other way.

xoxo, B.

A’s Eighteen Month Update

Today my baby is one and a half and I don’t know how this happened. Wasn’t it just moments ago that her tiny little body was apart of my own? I’m stuck in this strange limbo of feeling like I’ve known her forever, and feeling like this has all happened in a blink of an eye. Now I know it may seem strange that my first update for A is coming at 18 months but I just started this blog recently, and better late than never right? Also, I feel like I’ve gone through a great amount of personal growth these past few months, and I now have this uncontrollable desire to document everything. Enough about me, lets talk about who my baby girl is becoming.

A’s Development:

This little girl has always been slower on the physical development, and ahead in the mental areas so lets talk about what she’s doing now. She’s been walking for awhile but now she’s mastered that skill. She runs, and walks everywhere, and she’s constantly trying to climb everything. She is starting to try jumping also, but that one is still a work in progress. Her accident happened at 15 months and her scars are already healing beautifully. (Blog post to come on that next.) Her hair is getting longer and longer, but it is still quite thin and difficult to work with. Our favourite hairstyle is a crazy ponytail on top of her head. She’s mostly wearing size 12-18 months, although she’s rather difficult to properly fit clothes. A is very long and skinny, so I often find her pants are either too short or way too big in the waist. She can still fit in 6-9 month button onesies and t-shirts, and she wears size 5 shoes.

She still doesn’t sleep through the night, although last night she did great so maybe its coming? I wont hold my breathe LOL. She typically wakes 1-2 times in the night for a bottle, and then she will wake for the day around 6:30. She does sleep in her own bed though, and has since about 8 months old. She likes to sleep with a white noice sound machine on, and she still uses a sleepsack .The only other thing in her bed is a small lamb lovey that she likes to cuddle. I’ve always been very passionate about safe sleeping, and she probably wont use a regular blanket until she’s in a big girl bed, which will still be quite awhile. She takes one 2-3 hour nap in the afternoons. She does still use a pacifier at night and throughout the day. She was getting better with not needing it during the day, but we’ve had a bit of regression in that department. I know there is a lot of opinions about pacifiers, and trust me I hear it often but right now I’m sticking to my own gut and intuition and I simply don’t think its time to take it away yet.

Her favourite toys are her baby dolls at the moment, but she also loves to colour and play in her play kitchen. She is an amazing eater and has been since six months old. There isn’t much that she wont eat, her favourite things are cheese and pasta. I’ve always made a conscious effort to include all food groups in everyone of her meals because that should be the norm for all kids in my opinion.

A says a ton of words, probably around 40 and she’s starting to try and put words together. She already has wonderful manners and uses please and thank you in the right context (most of the time). She is a massive mamas girl, even more recently. She’s an angel whenever I’m not around but when mama is in sight she’s sucky and whiney most of the time. She knows she has me wrapped around her finger, and she uses it to her advantage. In the last few months she’s mastered the art of the temper tantrum and she throws them multiple times a day, preparing me for the years to come I suppose. She is a very strong willed child, she knows what she wants and she wont stop until she gets it. She is constantly seeking out adventure, and she does amazing whenever we’re out of the house. She’s always been a great shopping buddy, and luckily has never created any kind of scene out in public, other than yesterday when she emptied a carton of eggs onto the grocery store floor which she was pretty proud of. She is a huge lover of nature and being outside. She would be happy if we could spend an entire day at the park or the zoo.

This girl is a mischief maker, and you have to keep a close eye on her at all times (I blame the Aries in her). It can be difficult to keep her entertained at times because she wants to be stimulated all the time, although she is also quite the snuggler too. She just started swimming lessons this month, and so far she’s doing amazing. It’s nice to have a structured activity to go to every week, I think it’s important for her development. Everyday when she gets sleepy she crawls into my lap and asks for “CoCo” which is the youtube videos she likes to watch. These are the best moments of my day, when its nice and quiet and I have my warm little love in my lap with a blanket covering us. I think thats all of the important things to update on, because god knows I could go on about her all day if I didn’t stop myself.

I wish I could freeze this time forever, but I also know how lucky I am to get to see my baby grow. The most bittersweet feeling I’ve felt in my life is watching my baby grow up. I am SO blessed that I was chosen to be her mama, and although the days are hard and I mean most days I wouldn’t change anything at all. This is the life I was meant to live, and I will live the rest of my days for her.

Thank you for taking the time to learn a little bit about my baby.
Xoxo, B.

Self-loathing : Self-care

For as long as I can remember I’ve hated myself.

I’ve always struggled big time when it comes to trying not to hate myself. Standing in front of the mirror, picking out every single flaw I can find. The hateful things I’ve said about myself are things that I wouldn’t say to my worst enemies. For as long as I can remember I’ve hated myself. Not only my physical flaws have been abused by my own hatred, but worse of all my heart has taken an emotional beating for years.

Now I’m not writing this because I have the magical answer to overcoming this disease, if anything this is very much for the opposite reason. I will say I’ve gotten better, and I don’t know if thats simply age and maturity to thank, or maybe the birth of my daughter, I’m really not sure. Although, I’d be lying if I said that I love myself. I still stare into the mirror daily hating what I see. I still emotionally abuse myself after I say something “wrong”, or “cringe” in a conversation with someone. I hate that I’m still working in retail, and I haven’t made something of myself yet. I hate my lack of motivation. Most days it seems there is more that I hate about myself opposed to the latter.

It makes me physically nauseas to think about my daughter growing up and treating herself with the same disrespect that I’ve shown myself. This is the sole reason I’ve started trying my absolute best to practise self-care, and self-love. She genuinely helps me be a better person every single day. I no longer call myself names out loud when she is in earshot. I no longer spend half the day in bed harming myself mentally and physically, because that is simply not an option anymore. These are the greatest gifts that my darling girl could ever have given me, and I will owe her my life for it. She has inspired me to be the best that I can be, to try and become successful. Instead of dwelling on failures and setbacks it’s time to turn to that emotion into motivation. I have such a longing to be great, and to create greatness that it’s overwhelming, and I naturally tell myself that I can’t do it. It’s time we all start to believe in ourselves. It’s time that I take charge of my own life, and my own future.

Below I’m going to include a list of daily things that you can practice to incorporate self-care into your life. wether you only do one of these things, or all of them I can promise they will slowly create positive change in your life.

Meditation
Clean plant-based diet (when you can)
A skin care routine
Keeping your space clean, organized, and free from clutter
Writing a daily gratitude journal
Stay “unplugged” for the first hour of your day
Look into the mirror and tell yourself 3 positive attributes about yourself
Focus on the things in your life that you can change
Surround yourself with people who lift you up
Try to get enough sleep (I know that can feel impossible with young children)
Celebrate the small stuff

My time for self-loathing is coming to an end, I can feel it in my soul. I can feel positivity leaking into my daily routine, and I feel so blessed. For so long I blocked out any chance I had at happiness because in my mind I simply didn’t deserve it, but enough is enough. I’m done saying I can’t, I’ll never, and I don’t deserve.

It’s time for I can and I will, or I’ll die trying.

xoxo, B

Rainbow Babies & Rage

Somewhere over the rainbow the skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Amelia is my rainbow baby, and I simply had no idea how much heaviness and guilt would come with that title. Small backstory; I lost my first pregnancy at 14 weeks in 2014 when I was 19 years old. It was slightly traumatic for me, and I carried a lot of heavy emotions attached to that loss for many years after. I lost my first pregnancy on April 8 2014, and Amelia was born April 8, 2018. Exactly four years later, I finally was able to see the light again.

While I was pregnant with Amelia I was naive. I was so terrified of losing the pregnancy the entire nine months that the only thing I really focused on was keeping her alive. I didn’t even think about the circumstances where motherhood may not be all happiness and rainbows all of the time. I suppose I felt that because she is a rainbow baby, and because of all the feel good pregnancy hormones I had that she would be a fool proof baby. Which was true for a period of time.

For the first six months after Amelia was born I seriously felt like I was on cloud nine. How could this be so easy? I didn’t understand why other mothers complained, or made it seem difficult. This was the most natural thing I’ve ever done, I felt invincible. Little did I know that was just the calm before the storm.

I’ve struggled with anxiety, depression and rage issues for as long as I can remember. Although, when I was pregnant and after Amelia was born it all went away, and I thought it was gone for good. (I know foolish, and ignorant). It must have been the hormones that made me feel so good that I thought I was magically cured.

It was around the time she turned six months old that I could feel the darkness creeping back into me. It didn’t come all at once, I don’t even think I realized it for a couple of weeks. All of the bad thoughts and feelings that I thought were gone for good started to come back slowly, and there was nothing I could do about it. I remember the worst being when she started to hit different sleep regressions. I am extremely low functioning when I’m over-tired, its something I’ve had to constantly work on to overcome since I realized changes needed to be made, but we’ll talk about that another time.

I’ve never felt the guilt that I felt while wanting to scream and rip my hair out because my tiny, six month old baby was crying. Crying because she was just as confused as I was, at her own existence. What was wrong with me? This is my rainbow baby, she’s here and she’s healthy, and yet the sounds of her cries are making me want to tear my own skin off. The guilt when you become a mom is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. The constant comparisons of yourself to the “perfect Instagram moms”, who by the way do not exist. The constant articles online, one of which contradicts the other. The mom groups on Facebook where everyones baby is about the same age as your own, and yet everyone seems to have a different opinion about everything. Once I realized what I was feeling is normal, and that different parenting styles is a good thing is when things started to get better for me.

I whole heartedly believe that there needs to be more honesty, and transparency online. While we are light years ahead of where we used to be when it comes to being open and honest about our struggles, I think the mom community needs to open up even more. For every perfectly posed, aesthetically pleasing post we see online there needs to be 10 raw and real posts to combat it. While its nice to look at these moms with their perfect bodies, and their perfect homes and their perfectly well behaved children, its simply not realistic.

So heres to all the moms who experience mom guilt on a daily basis, especially those of you with a rainbow baby. I see you, and I understand how hard it is to feel anger, guilt and sadness towards this tiny human that you love so much, and prayed for everyday. To the moms who leave their crying baby in the crib, so you can too hide away and cry. I see you, and I understand your emotions. To all of the mothers that realize this isn’t an easy job by any stretch of the imagination, but it sure as hell is the most rewarding one in the world.

I see you. I appreciate you. I am you.

Well, this is me. Transparent and see through. It’s time I put my heart and soul out here to show the internet that its okay to not be okay. There is always going to be hard times as a mother, maybe even daily. Although, I can promise you that the good times will always outweigh the bad, and one day we’re going to look back on this season of our lives, and feel a longing to be here once more.

xoxo, B.