Happiness is not the absence of problems; it’s the ability to deal with them.
Steve Maraboli
Letting people go is really hard. No one wants to feel alone. Sometimes loneliness is what you need in order to find yourself. For the longest time I’ve changed who I am in order to fit in with others. I’ve always had to fight hard in order to not be forgotten, or left behind. Why am I exhausting myself in a fight that I cannot win? I hold on so tight to things that may be bad for me because I’m so scared of being alone. I know that I will always have my family, and they mean everything to me. Although, sometimes you need friendship too. It’s been many years since I’ve felt this way, and it’s a feeling that I never, ever want to feel again. I will never open myself up to the possibility of friendship again. This pain is too real, and too intense that it doesn’t make the good times worth it. My daughter, my partner and my family deserve my energy. I deserve my energy. Life will go on, and maybe I will be a little bit more lonely than I once was. I know the pain will fade eventually, but sadly the memories will remain. I wish I knew the right way to deal with this situation, but I suppose thats a lesson that I still have to learn.
I know that the media right now is a little bit scary, and life as we know it seems turned upside down. For people like myself who struggle with anxiety disorders on a normal day are probably falling into a dark place right about now. For me personally I continue to go back and forth between feeling extremely anxious, and trying to see the light in a bad situation. Over the last week I’ve had the most intense physical symptoms of anxiety, from nausea to headaches and full body discomfort. COVID-19 is changing the way that we all live our lives.
This past weekend was my 25th birthday, and I tried to allow myself a little bit of grace in order to enjoy my weekend, although the guilt and anxiety quickly took over for me. I’m currently in isolation with my family, we are not planning to leave our home unless we absolutely have to. It’s not that I’m scared of catching the virus as much as I’m terrified of the fast spread and contagion level. I’m so thankful that our Canadian government has decide to take action and announce a state of emergency. I’m a big believer in “better safe than sorry”.
While this time is hard for everyone, and so many people are missing out on big life events because of the affects of COVID-19 we must try and look at the positives. We need to take the time we’re being given at home to self reflect, and find our happiness. This storm will pass, and I want to feel as mentally clear as I possibly can when it does. I want to use this time to find who I really am, find what makes me happy when I don’t have the distractions of the world to help. I want to spend time with my daughter, getting creative and finding new games to play. I want our bond to grow stronger each day. I will take this time to remove the toxic people from my life organically, giving me the much needed space I’ve been longing for. Enjoy the outdoors, the earth has so much to offer us at this time. Take walks in the woods, dig deep in the dirt. Take time to feel the earth between your toes, look up at the stars.
Social distancing is hard when we live in such a fast paced world. We get so used to our daily routines and it’s difficult to break away from that. I think for a long time our earth has been begging us to slow down and give her a break. Now we’re being forced to focus on our homes in order to save the world. We’re truly all in this together. Help your neighbours, share your goods, and most importantly keep your loved ones safe by doing your part.
I am here for anyone who needs any type of assistance during this hard time, don’t be afraid to reach out, I will provide my email below. motherhoodintheraww@gmail.com
She is a mermaid but approach her with caution. Her mind swims at depths most would drown in.
J. Iron Word
My mind has always been complex, moving 1000 miles a minute. I’ve always thought of that to be a bad thing. Setting me apart from my peers. Now I’m trying to learn to how to love and accept my mind, and how beautiful it is. I’ve yet to meet another person who thinks like myself. I am my own unique being, and I am special in every way. You do not need to achieve greatness to be great. Simply being who you are is the greatest thing that you can be. Society has skewed our perception of what makes someone worthy. You don’t have to be anything that you do not want to be. Be who you are, deeply and truly. One day you’ll be looking back on your life, desperately wishing that you embraced your true self. Through and Through.
Welcome March, I am ready to embrace this new month with gratitude. March is the time for feeling inspired, motivated and ready for change. March means that spring is just around the corner. Soon we’ll be feeling the warmth of the sun. The chirp of new life being born into the world. The smell of the earth as it awakens from its winter sleep. March reminds me that seasons change, and that your current is not your forever. Spring is the perfect time for change. Change where you’re living, change your job, change your hobbies. March is the time to let go of the things that are no longer serving your greater purpose. Let go of the people who are holding you back, as hard as it may be. Listen to your inner voice, listen to what she is telling you. Stop changing who you are to fit in with everyone else. Find your people, find your joy. Allow March to guide you to where you need to be. The longer you try to force happiness on yourself for the greater good of others, the longer it will take to find your true bliss. Be your own motivation, and let this new season show you just how beautiful you really are. March, I’m ready for you and all you have in store.
Today I woke up to warm sunlight pouring through my window. Theres nothing quite like sunrise on your skin first thing in the morning; it set the tone for my day. How can I feel bad when there is beauty all around me? Today I wont sweat the small stuff, and I know nothing can bring me down. I am powerful, and I can see the beauty in everything. I know that I’m not perfect, and I don’t want to be. Today I will choose positivity. I will move my body, I will allow myself to feel good. Depression will not capture me today. It will not make me fall into it’s trap again. Not today.
Thank you for reading episode two of my Dear Diary series. Just a reminder that these diary entires are from days in the past, they aren’t my present thoughts and emotions as I’m creating this blog post. Sometimes these posts may not make a ton a sense as they’re basically my thought vomit, but I figured maybe someone out there would be able to relate.
Hi friends, thanks for clicking on my new blog post. If you’ve been following me since the beginning then you’ve probably realized that this blog has turned more mental health than motherhood. Since I’ve started this blog I’ve been working on myself hard core, and there has been a lot of ups and downs. Something that has been a huge part of my life has been daily journaling, and I thought I would share some of those journal entries here on my new segment called Dear Diary. I want you to know that if you’re struggling it is ok, and you’re not alone. We are all growing and evolving on our own clocks, and we all have such a unique, personal way of thinking. I don’t want anyone to ever feel like they have to follow anyone else’s way of thinking to be on the right path. Sometimes I know that I can feel like I’m running a marathon with those around me, and everyone is miles ahead of me. I keep running as fast as I can, trying to keep up with fear in the back of my mind. Fear of being left behind, or forgotten by those that I love. We need to remember that those who truly love us back wont leave us behind. They will adjust their pace slightly to allow us to catch up, and they will embrace us once we finally reach the finish line. I know that was a long introduction to this new segment, but it felt necessary to me, because these diary entries are super important to me.
Dear Diary: Ep. 1: It’s time to inhale the good and the happy, and exhale the bullshit. Manifest the life that you desire. Manifest happiness and self love. Your path doesn’t have to look like your peers, you create your own happiness. Follow your heart, not the crowd. See your inner beauty, and thank God for making you this way. Help people like you need to be helped. Reach out, make an effort. Be loving and be loved. Choose the pursuit of happiness, not perfection. Maybe simply being happy is enough. Maybe loving yourself is magic.
I wrote that while I was having a very tough day mentally. The depression was taking over ever fibre of my being and I thought I was going to be stuck in it all day. Writing is so therapeutic for me. It allows me to get my thoughts out in an organized way, instead of having them race around my mind 1000 miles a minute. I know this one was short, but it is so powerful to me. I want to create an army of mental health warriors, that would probably be my “mission statement” for this blog. I want people to know that you’re perfect just the way you are. Personal growth is important, and it’s empowering, but its also just that, personal. Next time you feel like you’re evolving “too slowly” or like everyone around you is moving on and leaving you in their dust I want you to read this blog post. I want you to remember that you’re time for mental clarity will come, and it will taste that much sweeter because you know that you will have worked your ass off for it. For now keep on shining, and keep on loving yourself through every up, and every down.
Everyone always warns you when you become a parent that you’re going to lose all your friends, and nobody ever believes it until it happens to them. When I found out I was pregnant it was an exciting time for everyone. I was the first of my friends, it was something new, an experience that everyone wanted to be apart of. I’ve had a close group of friends for a very long time now, they are like my family. When A was born my friends were so active in being apart of everything. They loved her, they made an effort. I mean its easy when you have a newborn that you can bring along everywhere. They sleep in the car seat, they only cry when they need something. Toddlers are a different story, they whine, they throw tantrums and you have to work around their nap schedule. I get it, its just not as easy. Although, I think the problem I’m experiencing with my friends goes deeper than having to work around a toddler.
We’re getting older, we’re all going to be 25 this year, and naturally things will change, I get that. Although, what I wont stand for is people trying to belittle me, or tell me how I should think and feel. Over the last year or so my friends have all been on their own personally growth journeys (as we all are). Although, in my opinion if your personal growth means isolating, or putting down one of your closest friends then there isn’t much growth happening at all has there? I’m sick and tired of being put down because I think and feel differently from my friends. I feel as though I’m either being put down, or ignored completely. Every single thought or feeling that I have is being challenged by these people, the only person I want that from is my therapist.
I’m a people pleaser by nature, its how I was raised. I’ve always been the type of friend who listens and supports when people are feeling down. I let them get it all out, I encourage them and I validate them. Thats honestly all I’ve ever wanted in return. Lately though its quite the opposite. I’m still expected to validate their feelings and be their shoulder to cry on, when I’m not receiving the same support back, and quite honestly I’m over it. I have an extremely hard time “cutting” people, or acknowledging when people are becoming toxic to me. I always think that it must be my fault, or if I’m better than they’ll like me again. Honestly, fuck that. I’m sick of being everyones punching bag. I’m sick of either being ignored or told that I’m wrong. Feelings cannot be right or wrong, their feelings, and I’m allowed to feel whatever the hell I want. It’s time for me to choose myself, even if it means losing the people that I thought were the most important to me. I’m choosing my family, my daughter. I want to be able to teach her how to stand up for herself and what she believes, and how can I do that if I’m constantly letting people walk all over me? I’m saying enough is enough. Either these people learn how to stand with me, or I stand alone. There will be no more people pleasing, no more walking on egg shells. I am who I am and everyday I’m working to be better. I may run a little slower, and maybe I’m a little behind on my personal growth journey. If that means that they think their too good for me than I guess that says more about them than it does about me.
When you find yourself walking into motherhood be prepared. You most likely will loose friends, and don’t be so quick to blame the baby. While we’re growing and flourishing in motherhood, the people around us are doing the same thing in their own lives, and sometimes the pieces of the puzzle change, and they don’y quite fit together the same anymore. It’s ok to grow apart and change, and it’s ok to be sad about it. The most important thing is that you never forget your worth, never be someone you’re not to keep the people around you comfortable. At the end of the day the only thing you have is yourself, and if you don’t love the person that you are than you need to change something. You need to be true to yourself, and the self love will come pouring in. Yes, even if it means losing some of the people that you thought you couldn’t live without.
I finally did, I checked off my number one new years resolution for 2020 and it’s just the beginning. I finally tool the leap and I reached out to a local counselor for help, I’m getting help. I’ve talked about mental health a lot on this blog so far, but I haven’t really dug deep into what this journey has meant for me thus far. I’ve needed this help for as long as I can remember really. The first time I can remember feeling like something was really “wrong with me” was when I was 12 years old. At 12 was when I felt suicidal for the very first time, and at 12 is when my debilitating depression would begin.
I grew up in a home with a very mentally ill father, and to be honest I didn’t even really know it until recently. I don’t want to get too into that, because its simply not my place to air out all of his dirty laundry on here. Although, I suppose his dirty laundry has become my own as well. When I was a small child my dad was great (from my memory anyway). I was his little buddy, we did everything together. It wasn’t until I got closer to the age of puberty that the mental and emotional abuse started. My dad has been deeply scarred by women in his family, and I have to assume thats where it came from. From a very young age he would be sure to try and put my younger brother and I against each other, and we’ve just started to recover from that recently. My dad still hasn’t got help, but he has proved himself with A. For now I know he loves her, and would never hurt her, but for when she’s older I’m really not sure if that will be the case.
I was never allowed to feel my emotions when I was younger. I remember going in the bath (the only place I could let it all out in private). I would silently scream for God, or whatever higher power there may be to take me. I begged for it to be my time, and nobody knew. I wasn’t allowed to be depressed. I wasn’t allowed to cry, those actions would come with punishment. If I was upset for whatever tweenage reason at the time I was not allowed to show it to my father. If he caught me crying in my room then I was immediately grounded, not allowed to see my friends anymore. I think thats when I developed the habit of isolating myself. To this day whenever I feel the depression coming I go into hibernation mode. I cut myself off from my friends and the other things that make me happy because I have to punish myself the only way I know how. I’ve developed some pretty extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks as a result of my pubescent years and how I was raised.
For the longest time I held a lot of resentment towards my parents for making me this way. It really wasn’t until I became a parent myself that I realized they really were doing their best, even if their best was absolutely fucked at times. My dad is a seriously mentally ill man, a man who doesn’t know how to help himself, and probably never will. I’ve made a choice for myself and for my family. A choice to be better for me, for my fiance and most importantly, for my daughter. I’m learning that it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. It’s ok to feel my feelings, yes even the bad ones. It’s ok to not be happy all the time. I’m learning to feel those emotions, and most importantly I’m learning how to let them go in a healthy way.
Everyone around me is constantly telling me to stop having negatives thoughts and feelings. While I understand that they’re coming from a good place, trying to help I’ve learned that their words are everything but helpful. I have one friend in particular that wont talk to me about anything if its not sunshine and rainbows, she tells me to go meditate then text her later. For the longest time I’ve felt like a burden to everyone, and maybe I am to them, but from now on I will not let myself feel that way. It’s time for me to take time to work on myself. It’s time to say no to spending time with the people that bring me down. It’s time for me to be alone and find my own inner happiness. I’ve always been the type of person who enjoys surrounding myself with friends, I always thought thats what made me happy. For now I think I need to say goodbye to those old ways, because lately friends are the ones bringing me down more than ever. They are constantly disregarding my struggles to bask in their own happiness, which I understand is their journey and I’m happy for them. I want to be happy for me though, I want to put myself first for once in my life.
Happiness can only be achieved once you accept your true self, and let go of the self you think that you need to be.
I’m nowhere near being “cured” or “fixed”. If anything I’m in one of the worst places I’ve been in my entire life, and thats ok. I’m extremely self aware, and I know the things that I need help with, and the things that I want to change for myself, not because the people around are telling me that I should. I know this journey in therapy will probably be long, maybe even the rest of my life, but I know eventually I’ll be able to look myself in the mirror and say “I’m proud of you B”.
I know, I know. It’s a bit of cliche, the whole mantra of new year new me, but for some reason this year feels different. In years past I never really understood the idea of a new year meaning new opportunities for growth, and now I think I get it. I have a lot of hopes, and good feelings about the year to come. Over the last decade I really discovered who I am, but my work is not yet done. I desperately want 2020 to be the year that I figure it all out. I want to find my passion, I want to create great things. I want all the cloudiness and confusion to disappear. I have to be honest, I’m not the best at self discovery, or being assertive enough to go after what I really want. I tend to stick to the sidelines and watch as everyone around me achieves greatness. I want 2020 to be the year that I say enough.
My Goals for 2020:
Get my body to a happy, healthy size
Find my passion, and figure out how to make a living out of it
Quit my current job
Find a therapist
Develop a healthy routine
Save 20% of all of my paycheques
Let loose, and have fun more often
I tried to keep my goals this year reasonable and attainable. This is just a sample list out of my journal, where I have categories for all areas of my life. I’ve been keeping a journal since January 1st. It has all of my goals, and my daily thoughts and feelings. I’ve been writing positive affirmations about myself every morning, to remember how badass I am already; and how badass I can become. I’ve also been writing down a daily to-do list, which has really been helping me be less lazy. I just want to look back at the end of the year and be proud. Be proud that I did my very best for myself, and for my daughter.
I’m experiencing a clarity that I haven’t felt in a really long time. Even on my bad days I’ve been able to cope extremely better than before. The road to self discovery is long, but the destination will be so, so worth it. I hold on to hope that no matter what hardships life throws at me its all for the bigger picture, the greater good if you will. I know I have some larger decisions to make this year, ones I’m not quite ready to talk about on here. Choices that will change the entire path that I’ve been on until this point. I’m ready for big changes, and even bigger rewards.
Today I challenge you to start your own 2020 journal. Write it all down. Write down your goals and your dreams. Write down all of your thoughts, the good and the bad. Write until it makes sense, until you can see things a little bit more clearly. I honestly cant believe how much its helped me, in just eight days. Take a little bit of time to do something for yourself each day, and learn to love yourself. We are honestly all we have, if we can’t love ourselves how can we expect anyone else to love us?
I have a confession to make and I’m not proud. I used to think moms that complained about sleep deprivation were kind of just complaining, I mean how bad can it really be? Well, my friends theres this called karma, and it hit me hard right in the ass. Sleep deprivation is a real thing, and its so much harder to deal with when you’re trying to also keep a tiny human alive everyday. A’s sleep has gone down hill hard and fast. If I’m being honest I seriously feel like I’m starting to fall apart. Being a mom is already so hard, and when you mix in only getting four hours of sleep at night its a recipe for disaster.
A & B
These past few weeks I’ve really been prioritizing my mental health and getting my mental to a place that I’m really proud of. I already feel my efforts starting to slip away solely due to sleep deprivation. I have no motivation to do my usual morning routine of positive affirmations while I enjoy my coffee. All I seem to be able to do these days is get myself from my bed to the couch. I dread having to make A breakfast in the morning, and I no longer have the energy to play with her. My patients with her is extremely thin, every time she whines or cries I want to snap at her, and it takes everything in me not to. This feeling of not being able to function like a normal person is really starting to take its toll. It’s been about 2 weeks of constant terrible sleep, and I’m at my wits end. I don’t understand, why don’t they just f*#king sleep?
I suppose this is the universe testing me to see if my efforts in improving my mental state has really worked. I have to say I am proud, and I do think I’ve made improvements. Six months ago if I were going through this I know I wouldn’t even be able to function at all. I would have been constantly yelling, crying and sending concerning texts to my loved ones. I used to really struggle with rage and sleep deprivation would always make it so much worse. Now I take a moment in the mornings to understand that I am exhausted, and it sucks, it really sucks. I’ve accepted that in this moment there is simply nothing I can do about the fact that A doesn’t feel the need to sleep anymore, and I have no choice but to deal with it. What I do have a choice in is how I manage my feelings about the situation.
My point of this post is to say this; next time you pass judgements on a mom for complaining about being tired stop yourself in your tracks. Moms need support, and we need to feel validated and understood. We need to stand together and support each other in anyway we know how. Sleep deprivation is real, struggles with mental health are real. When you combine the two it can result in a recipe for disaster, and you can feel like you’re falling into a deep hole, unsure of how you’ll be able to escape. Before I became a mom I would judge moms. All. The. Time. I would judge them for complaining about anything that had to do with being a mom, because well how could they complain? I had a miscarriage, I lost my baby so how dare they complain about theirs. Through healing over the years and growing older and more mature I’ve learned so much. You can’t undermine someone else’s pain and struggles because you’re also hurting.
Let us stand together, hand in hand. Let us listen to each other, and try to understand each others pain. I promise once we unite ourselves and support all moms no matter how different they are from you is when we will all find validation. Next time your mom friend texts you freaking out because her baby just wont sleep, and she’s never felt exhaustion like this try to understand her. Try to remember when your child was small, try to remember how it felt to feel alone in this, and do something to help ease her pain. We need to love and support each other because feeling alone, like you’re the only one in the world going through this is the hardest part of it all.
Love and support will always be more powerful than the most deprived sleep, or the strongest toddler tantrums. My challenge for you today is to reach out to a struggling mama. Tell her she’s doing a good job, tell her she worthy and she is powerful. It might just make more of a difference in her day than you think.
Motherhood in the Raw 